Creating A Healthy, Loving Family Repairing Communication, Boundaries, And Respect
"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories."
— John Wilmot
"My kid needs serious help, we just don't know what to do with him anymore!" … "No one is getting along right now!" … "After all we've been through, we definitely need someone to talk to!" These are just a few of the typical exclamations I hear when someone first calls me to inquire about family counseling.
First of all, you can relax a little — let me assure you that the perfect family doesn't exist. Trying to achieve some ideal of what the perfect family looks like is irrelevant when your desire is simply to have a family that knows how to communicate, respect and love one another. And, achieving this, while not necessarily easy, is not as difficult as it may seem.
Today, family life is more complex than ever. There are more step-families, single parents, and homes where both parents work. It's not uncommon for families to experience separation, divorce, or single parenthood.
The frantic pace of daily life and increased economic pressures often overwhelm families, breeding communication issues and dysfunctional behaviors that, if left unaddressed, can lead to severe problems and even extremes such as alcoholism, drug abuse, family violence and child molestation. As traditional family support systems erode, families find an increasing need to turn to mental health professionals for help.
Helping Children And Adolescents Learn To Help Themselves
"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots. The other is wings."
— Hodding Carter, Jr.
Just as with individual adults, children and adolescents who seem to enjoy their misbehavior have lost track of something in themselves. It is this loss that drives their apparently irrational behavior, feelings, and point of view. The loss manifests in hidden agendas that cause behavior and feelings, which on the surface don't seem to make any sense.
The adolescent who steals and gets high all the time can usually understand that, although it feels good for the moment, his behavior will get him nowhere he wants to be in life (although you usually can't get him to admit that out loud). The class clown may want the kids to laugh, but he usually wants the teacher to like him as well (you won't hear that out loud, either). The school-phobic child does want to join the other kids in school.
These children have all lost track of themselves in some way. Desires, needs, motives, even thoughts and perceptions, lie just out of awareness and dramatically influence behavior and feelings.
When parents call me for help, I generally ask the parents to come and talk with me so we can meet, get a look at each other, and establish a sense of trust, mutual cooperation and hopefulness. Sometimes we meet a few times and agree to check in later and see how things are going.
When we agree that the child should be seen for evaluation, I meet with the child several times. Using developmentally appropriate interview techniques, I get an idea of what the child or adolescent's presenting problems are and their willingness to participate in therapy. I then meet again with the parents to talk over my views of their child's difficulties and make treatment recommendations.
Building A Healthy Family Structure
"The art of family life is to not take it personally."
— Adam Phillips
My preferred method of working with families is known as Structural Family Therapy. This model identifies and works with the unique structure and dynamics of each family — the movement and flow of thoughts, communication, roles, and alliances between parents and children.
In structural family therapy, the parents are viewed as the head of one system and the children are viewed as a separate sub-system. This way of looking at the family structure helps determine whether or not the parents are in charge and acting as a unit, whether the kids are doing an end-run around one parent by getting the other to agree to something, or whether the kids are taking advantage of conflict within the parental system.
This method of therapy also allows the family members to examine the integrity of the boundaries between the parent's and children's respective systems. This helps to ensure healthy boundaries are established and maintained, that kids are not being placed in adult roles, and that there are open lines of communication between parents and their children.
As the family structure and dynamics become understood, we can identify the source of the current problems being experienced, where the best points for intervention exist, and incorporate other therapeutic techniques as necessary to develop and practice healthy inter-family boundary and communication skills.
Once healthy boundaries and open lines of trusting communication have been established, achieving the family you once only thought possible becomes simply a matter of patience and practice.
When you're serious about change For an appointment leave a message, 24 hours a day, and
I will return your call – no obligation: (408) 582-2121.
Or for more information e-mail me at adrian@adrianRmedina.com.
Adrian R. Medina, M.A., LMFT
1754 Technology Drive, Suite 133, San Jose, CA 95110
